


Shakespeare in Asylum

by knightshade



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Cliche, Comedy, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-23 05:16:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11982948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightshade/pseuds/knightshade
Summary: Finding out that Jack O'Neill could quote Shakespeare was almost worth the price of admission to this crazy mission.  Almost.  But not quite.





	Shakespeare in Asylum

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Notes: Long ago in a galaxy f… no, sorry, wrong fandom. Let me try that again. Long ago I joined a live journal challenge (remember LJ?) to write 10 cliché fics about Sam and Jack. I'm still not done with them yet. They're still littering my hard drive and I will probably finish them. Someday. This one is the True Love cliché. 
> 
> Sam/Jack but played for laughs, not serious Sam/Jack.
> 
> Quotes from Shakespeare and The Princess Bride.

“’Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, and summer’s lease hath all too short a date:’”

Daniel stopped dead in his tracks in the midst of trudging back to the Gate. Finding out that Jack O'Neill could quote Shakespeare was almost worth the price of admission to this crazy mission. Almost. But not quite.

“Oh, sir, that’s so beautiful! You're so romantic,” Sam gushed, pulling at Daniel’s grip on her arm. She tried to pull ahead of him but Daniel tightened his grasp to keep her by his side. 

Teal’c stopped and then slowly turned around, their complaining colonel slung over his shoulder.

“Hey! Teal’c! I can’t see her anymore! Hey, turn around!” Jack yelled.

“Daniel Jackson, I believe that Colonel O’Neill’s condition is deteriorating. He is no longer speaking normally.”

Daniel closed his eyes again. “It’s Shakespeare, Teal’c. He’s…uh … quoting a sonnet, believe it or not.”

Even across the distance they were trying to keep between them to separate their newly lovesick charges, Daniel could see Teal’c’s eyebrow rise.

“Just…uh…just keep going. I’ll explain when we get back to Earth. The sooner we get there, the sooner this will all be over.”

Teal'c turned and continued walking. 

"But that does beg the question, Jack. When did you memorize Shakespeare?" Daniel's curiosity was definitely piqued.

"I memorized some sonnets a long time ago." He glanced at both Daniel and Sam, then switched to a ridiculous stage whisper. "To impress a girl."

Daniel rolled his eyes. "You don't say."

"It worked too." Then Jack turned his attention to Sam. "But don't worry, nothing could compare to my feelings for you, honey pie."

"Our pasts are behind us, sir. None of that matters now."

There was a moment of blissful silence before Jack called out again. “This might be a little sudden, but I feel so strongly that I just have to say it. I love you, Carter. I've never felt this strongly about anyone before. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes, I love you."

"Oh, sir, I was hoping against hope you'd say that. I love you too!" 

Daniel put his free hand up to his temple, trying to massage away some of the rapidly fomenting headache. They could not get to the Gate soon enough as far as he was concerned. 

Daniel watched Jack's form, ridiculous in Teal’c’s hog tie carry, bobbling up and down with each of Teal'c's steps. He tried to let it lull him into a mental rut as he trudged forward. As he watched, Jack picked up his head again.

“’Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never, never doubt I loved,’” Jack yelled.

“I won’t, sir! I couldn’t doubt you. Not ever. Not even if I wanted to. My heart tells me you’re true!”

“Your heart and the clearly poisonous alien fruit you ate,” Daniel muttered under his breath.

“Look, Carter, I’ve been thinking. I know this may seem rash and a little out of the blue, but it just feels so right. I don’t ever want to leave your side again. So, Samantha Carter, will you marry me?”

Daniel was sure that Teal’c nearly dropped him. He saw the bobble and then Teal’c’s pace quickened. Apparently they were both of the same mind that they needed to get back to the Gate asap.

“I will, sir!”

“You will? Really?”

“Yes, sir.”

“That's wonderful! Daniel, Teal’c, we’re getting married!”

“We heard,” Daniel grumbled.

“Oh, Carter, I’m sorry I don’t have a ring!”

“That’s okay. Your love is enough for me.”

“You’ve made me the happiest man on … what’s the name of this planet again, Daniel?”

Daniel did his best to ignore him.

“Colonel, maybe we could find someone in the village to marry us right now,” Sam called.

“That’s a great idea!” 

Sam turned, her face aglow with the fervor of insanity. “Daniel, would you do me the honor of giving me away?”

Tempting. It was definitely tempting to give her away to the nearest practitioner of the local form of bush medicine. Or give her away to the nearest insane asylum. Daniel sighed. Really the only person he could give her away to in good conscience was Janet and she was still a ways away. “Well, Sam, see the thing is…”

“Teal’c would you be my best man?” Daniel heard Jack ask.

“I am not familiar with that term, O’Neill.”

Grateful for the distraction, Daniel launched into an explanation for Teal'c. "Actually the 'best man' at a wedding is a tradition that goes back to sixteenth century Gaelic customs. If a man couldn’t find a bride in his own village, he would choose a best man to help him kidnap a bride from a neighboring village. Then that ‘best man’ would be in charge of protecting the groom from being attacked by the bride’s angry relatives." Talking about traditions at least had the added benefit of calming him. The Gate was a two hour walk from the village they had been exploring when Jack and Sam had been offered the local variety of fruit. It had been nothing but love struck missives ever since. What little patience Daniel had left was fading rapidly.

"Under normal circumstances, I would be honored to keep your enemies from taking your bride..."

“Well, these days it's mostly a ceremonial position. I’d say it’s your job to hold the rings, but since we don’t have any, you don't have to worry about that either. Put me down and we can go over the details.”

“I’m afraid I cannot do that, O’Neill.”

“Oh come on, guys," Jack complained. "Just take us back to the nearest village so we can find a minister or whatever they call them here.”

“We can’t do that right now, Jack,” Daniel said, trying to sound reasonable.

“Daniel and Teal’c, I order you to put me down and take us back to the village.”

“Sorry, Jack,” Daniel said. 

“Are you disobeying a direct order?”

“In this case, yes.” 

“Teal’c?” Jack threatened. 

“I am sorry, O’Neill. Daniel Jackson is correct in this matter. I do not believe it is in your best interests for us to obey that order.

“My best interests?” Jack sputtered. “My best interests?!”

“Well, yeah, Jack,” Daniel said, suddenly struck with a way to diffuse the situation. “I mean, Sam, don’t you want Jacob to give you away? And what about all your friends and family? Don’t you want them to be able to witness this…uh…blessed event?”

“He’s got a point, sir. Maybe we should wait. We’re not exactly dressed for a wedding anyway. I never pictured myself walking down the aisle in BDUs and boots.”

“Okay, okay. It’s just that I love you so much, I want the whole world to know you’re mine.”

“I know. Me to,” Sam gushed. “But Daniel’s right. We do want our friends and family there.”

To pound some sense into you, Daniel thought. He was trying not to let the situation and his growing headache get to him. This was Sam and Jack. It wasn’t really their fault that the local humans had fed them some fruit that had totally messed with their heads or that Teal’c’s symbiote probably protected him or that Daniel had tried a bite and decided he preferred his energy bars. The locals had said they had seen this happen occasionally to their own people and it always worn off in time. It was just good that only two of them had lost their minds. He was afraid that if he’d been affected too Teal’c might have gotten frustrated enough to just leave them all there.

“Colonel?” Sam said.

“Yes, my love?”

"I want to have your babies."

"Please not now," Daniel muttered under his breath.

"We'd make such beautiful babies,” Sam said, beaming. “If we had a boy we could name him Jack Junior. Maybe he'd get my book smarts and your bravery and daring."

Why did that sound like a recipe for disaster? Daniel was picturing a child with Sam's intelligence and Jack's cavalier disregard for rules and authority. The picture was terrifying.

"And lots of pretty blond girls with blue eyes. Just imagine how scared their dates would be when they found me waiting on the front porch, P-90 in tow."

"Oh, sir, you'd make such a good father."

"And you'd make a wonderful mother."

Daniel was going to make a wonderful addition to a padded room.

"So Carter, what are the chances our kids would get your eyes?"

"It depends. Do you have any blue-eyed relatives?"

"My mother had blue eyes."

"Blues eyes are determined by recessive genes so the offspring of a parent who's homozygous recessive for a trait and a parent who’s heterozygous dominant for that trait would have a 1 in 2 chance of having the recessive trait. And since your mother was blue-eyed, you are definitely a heterozygous brown."

"Carter, I just love to listen to you talk science."

"I do not believe that to be a true statement, O'Neill," Teal'c said making Daniel smile through his discomfort.

"Hey, I may not always understand everything she says, but it's still music to my ears."

"Oh definitely. You're always so appreciative and respectful when she's talking about technical things." Daniel couldn't resist throwing the jibe.

"You know, you normally aren't this sarcastic."

"Well, someone's gotta do it. And the person who normally does the sarcasm for us is quoting Shakespeare at the moment."

"You know, you could just be happy for us, Daniel,” Jack griped.

"It's okay, pookie, he's just jealous."

"Pookie?” Daniel stopped and gaped at her. “You went from ‘sir’ to ‘pookie?’" Then he just shook his head. "Okay. Gate. Now."

Sam planted her feet and wouldn't budge. "Daniel, why are you so against this? The colonel and I really love each other. Don't you want us to be happy?" She looked at him with stricken eyes and Daniel blinked. It looked like she was going to cry. "It's almost like you're trying to keep us apart. I thought you were our friend, Daniel."

He slowly looked skyward, silently beseeching all the non Goa’uld gods he could think of to make the insanity stop. Then he put a hand on each of her upper arms and risked looking her in the eyes. "Oh, believe me, Sam, I am your friend. More than you can appreciate right now. Let's just get home and then we can talk about it."

Thankfully, she relented and they started walking down the trail again, Teal'c still carrying Jack and Daniel still holding tight to Sam’s arm. The good news was that it looked like they were getting close to the Gate.

"Colonel?"

"Yes, my love?"

"I had a scary thought."

"Just one?" Daniel wondered when sarcasm had gotten so addictive.

"You know how the Air Force has strict regulations about fraternization?"

"Yes."

"What if they try to keep us apart?"

"They can't, Carter. ‘This is true love. You think this happens every day?’"

“Now you’re quoting The Princess Bride?” Daniel asked, amused.

“Hey, I’m a wealth of culture,” Jack shot back as they came around a bend. 

There, up ahead, was the Stargate, in all its mission-ending glory.

“But there are regulations against fraternization,” Sam said.

“So, I’ll retire again. End of problem.”

“Colonel, what if they court marshal us for fraternization?” Sam persisted.

Teal’c set Jack down as he arrived at the DHD and started to dial. Jack sank down on the set of stone steps leading up to the Gate and looked very troubled. “Hmmm, I didn’t think of that. Being in Leavenworth might put a damper on the wedding.”

“Jack, they don’t put people in Leavenworth for violating fraternization rules,” Daniel said, feeling like he was stating the obvious, but Jack’s face had darkened to a frown.

The Gate burst to life, then fell back, the blue puddle shimmering in the sun. 

“We’re not going,” Jack said, suddenly standing up. 

Teal’c turned to Daniel with a questioning eye as he stepped over to take hold of Jack’s upper arm. 

So close, Daniel lamented. “Why not, Jack?”

“I’m not going to let the Air Force tear us apart. Or give Carter a dishonorable discharge. No way,” he said and started to pull against Teal’c’s grasp. 

“Jack, you’re the superior officer here, Sam will be fine. You can retire. No harm, no foul,” Daniel reasoned.

“Colonel O’Neill’s, right,” Sam said. “I don’t want to live in a world that doesn’t accept us. We’ll stay here.”

Daniel groaned. “Oh come on, Sam. It’s not that bad. One of you leaves the Air Force and it’ll all be okay.”

“But, Daniel, if the colonel retires and I don’t, I’ll be going offworld and he won’t even be part of the program anymore. I won’t be able to tell him anything.”

Daniel sighed. “Maybe he can come back as a civilian consultant. It’s got some perks.”

“Not if they don’t accept our love,” Sam persisted.

Daniel just needed to get them both under the care of Dr. Fraiser. “Let’s go back to Earth and we’ll see what happens and deal with it then.”

“No. We’re staying here, right Carter?” Jack said, standing up and moving to the top of the dais in front of the Gate. Sam broke free of Daniel’s grip and ran to him, snuggling against his side. 

“We need to go back and talk about this,” Daniel said.

“Indeed,” Teal’c echoed.

Jack surveyed the area around them. “This is a perfectly nice little planet. I think Carter and I will hang out here until we figure out what to do.”

Sam nodded emphatically.

Daniel scrubbed his face with his hands. Just as he was wondering what to try next, their radios crackled to life. “SG-1, this is General Hammond. Is everything alright?”

Daniel pressed the button on the radio clipped to his tac vest. “Yes, sir. We’ll come through in a minute.”

“Sir, this is Colonel O’Neill. Daniel and Teal’c will be coming through. Carter and I are not coming through at this time.”

Daniel cringed, imagining the raised eyebrow General Hammond would be sporting. “Sir, we’re just having a little … discussion here. We’ll be there in a minute.” He paused. “And you may want to have Dr. Fraiser meet us in the Gate room.”

“Is everything alright?”

“No, sir,” Jack interrupted. “Everything is not alright. In fact-“

Daniel was busy cringing and if not for the sudden motion that caught his eye, he would have entirely missed seeing Teal’c launch himself at Jack and Sam, sending the three of them flying through the Gate. 

Daniel gaped for a moment. 

“Well, that's one way of handling it,” he said to the trees, shaking off his shock and climbing the steps to the Gate. He was about to step through when it dawned on him that there was probably complete chaos on the other side. He pinched the bridge of his nose again, trying to decide just how long he could delay in good conscience. Teal’c probably had everything under control …

Daniel turned to gaze out on the surrounding area. There was some sort of bird species soaring high above him and it was a warm sunny day. It was a perfectly nice little planet, poisonous fruit notwithstanding. All in all, better than a padded room. But Daniel’s conscious won out. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and stepped backwards through the Gate. 

After the microseconds of disorientation he disembarked on the other side to a complete maelstrom. Several of the SFs had their P-90s out and pointed at the Gate. Jack, Sam, and Teal’c were in a jumble on the ramp and Jack was clearly trying to take a swing at Teal’c. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't shoot anyone!” Daniel said holding up his hand and looking at the nearest SF. Then he glanced up to see General Hammond glaring his direction from the control room. 

“Dr. Jackson, what in the blazes is going on here?”

“We had a little run in with a fruit species on the planet, sir. The local humans can eat it, but apparently it has temporary psychotropic effects on us.”

Dr. Fraiser was just entering through the blast doors. “Psychotropic? What symptoms are you …”

“Teal’c, get off of me!” Jack yelled, swatting at him angrily. 

“General Hammond, we request asylum,” Sam shouted and Daniel cringed as the general turned to look down at her from the control room.

“Asylum from what?” he asked, clearly baffled.

“The US Air Force, sir. The anti-fraternization regulations violate our human rights. Colonel O’Neill and I are in love and we will not live in a world that doesn't accept us. We request permission to return to P82-735 to live out our lives together.” She paused as the room fell to stunned silence. “You’ll be invited to the wedding, of course.”

Daniel caught Janet's eye. “That sums up the symptoms pretty well, wouldn't you say, Teal’c?”

“Indeed,” Teal'c said stoically, which would have carried more weight had he not been lying in a tangle of limbs. 

“Yes, well, let's get you to the infirmary for your post mission checkout and then we can talk about asylum,” Janet said, helping to pull Sam and Jack to their feet. 

“But...” Sam started.

“I promise I won’t let the Air Force violate your, eh, human rights. Let’s go to the infirmary and we’ll get this all worked out,” Janet said using her best I’m-the-doctor-and-I’m-in-charge-here voice. 

Four SFs came to assist, each holding one of Sam and Jack’s arms. They led them out into the hallway and Daniel heard Jack say, “You should ask her to be your maid of honor.”

Janet shared a look with Daniel and Teal’c. “Join us in the infirmary for you post mission check out too. And I need to know everything you know about this fruit,” she said, her parting shot before following Sam, Jack, and their entourage down the hall.

Daniel sighed, his headache in full bloom. Even once they got through Janet’s interrogation, General Hammond would certainly want his own debrief. It was going to be a long day. “Maybe we should request asylum from the Air Force,” he muttered and reached down to give Teal’c a hand up. “The paperwork from this mission is going to kill us.”

Teal’c squared his shoulders and nodded, recovering his dignity. 

“Nicely done, by the way, pushing them through the Gate like that,” Daniel said, clapping him on the arm.

The barest crinkle of a smile touched the corners of Teal’c’s eyes. “’Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.’”

Daniel shook his head, thinking that he never expected he'd have to brush up on his Shakespeare quotes with this crew. “Et tu, Teal’c?”

Teal'c smiled in full this time, “Indeed, Daniel Jackson, indeed.”

And they headed off to the infirmary but not in any great hurry to get there. 

\--------------------  
-knightshade  
September 2, 2017


End file.
